One of the central themes in my book, Escape Bound, is validation. I am working to develop a script for an episodic reality tv show that I’m hoping will explore this topic in a highly visible format. In this project we ask the following questions:
Whose measuring stick are we using to measure ourselves? To what degree is that measuring stick aligned with our own intrinsic values as opposed to the values of society, friends, or family? Is our validation internally or externally driven? All these inquiries can be boiled down to one simple question. “How can we know when we are seeking to impress vs. express?”
Interestingly, from the outside, impressing and expressing looks the same. If a person posts a picture of a beautiful sunset on social media, they could be seeking admiration, “likes”, and approval (impress). Conversely, that same person may post a picture of a beautiful sunset on social media to convey gratitude, wonder and delight (express). The sunset picture is the same. But the intention comes from two completely different places. The desire to impress is circular. It forms a loop because feedback is required. The desire to express is linear. No feedback is required.
The desire to impress comes from low self esteem. We need others to validate our experiences in order to derive pleasure from those experiences. Rather than simply feeling blessed in witnessing awe or beauty, we need others to acknowledge that we are worthy of blessing. Energetically, when we seek to impress, we give our power away.
However, the impulse to express comes from a place of self-love. Energetically, the natural outpouring of that love draws even more power to us. The desire to share life’s beauty, magic, mystery and wonder with others is one of the great joys of the human experience. Self-expression stems from internal validation. We feel blessed and want to share that blessing with others.
For a good bit of my life, I wasn’t aware of the subtle difference between impressing and expressing. To me, everything looked like impressing. I was hyper-vigilant to pridefulness. Arrogance was not to be tolerated. Narcissism was the worst kind of evil. Braggarts drove me nuts. Though I considered myself to be non-judgmental, there was a clear bias against people I perceived as self-serving.
This affected the way I communicated with others. There were two strong opposing pulls. On the one hand, I secretly wanted to be seen, loved and accepted. On the other hand, I despised the idea of “tooting my own horn”, or behaving in a way that might seem ingratiating or ingenuous. I worked really, really hard to be truly outstanding, so people would notice my greatness without my having to tell them about it!
After going through a divorce, the pillars supporting my validation – happy family, social standing, financial status – crumbed. For an entire year, I was numb. I didn’t feel anything at all. Interestingly, the emotion I longed for… even more than love… was gratitude.
So when I finally felt gratitude last spring, during three months living in Costa Rica with my children, I was ecstatic. There was such a deep sense of relief and excitement, I wanted to share that gratitude with others. But sometimes, I knew that my public expression of joy was interpreted as the need for validation.
I was crushed. How could something so beautiful, so pure, be viewed as an attempt to impress? I began to doubt my intentions. Deep down, was I actually just seeking approval? Was there an underlying lack of self-worth that required external validation in order to feel blessed? Was the need for acknowledgement driving attention-seeking behavior?
My Christian upbringing warned against the dangers of pride. And though the church spends a good deal of time on the subject of God’s love, it speaks little of self-love. In fact, the church clearly states that we are not worthy of God’s blessing. Yet… there has to be some reason God loves us! There has to be a reason He sees us as worth loving. When we see ourselves through the eyes of Spirit, we discover that reason. To put it simply, we humans, with all our imperfections, are absolutely radiant.
Self-love is necessary for healthy, joyful, creative expression. Self-love is the key to feeling worthy of blessing, without the need for external validation. But self-love does not exist in a vacuum. The desire for connection and community is the healthy, natural extension of self-love.
My Escape Bound reality TV show will follow social media travel influencers as they deepen into their own journey to find self-love, thereby learning to shift their online interactions from impressing to expressing. Utilizing the powerful medium of television, we hope to further Escape Bound’s soul-mending initiatives by reaching a viewing audience that is hungry for inspiration, creativity, and authentic expressions of self-love.