Holy crap! My ayahuasca ceremony is tonight! What the hell did I get myself into? Did you know that a person loses their motor skills when they take ayahuasca? Some people can’t walk. Some lose control of their bowels. Nearly everyone pukes. In the midst of the ceremony, an estimated 50% of people actually believe they died. I’m actually scared. This feeling is foreign to me. I don’t get scared.
I decided to take these concerns up with the medicine itself. This is a transcript of the 20 minute automatic writing session where I channeled the spirit of ayahuasca:
What does ayahuasca want me to know?
I am waiting for you. I have been waiting for you – waiting to welcome you – for a long time. You are finally ready for the journey I’ve prepared especially for you. All components are now aligned. Do not fear this journey. Though fear is the normal response to a decision of this magnitude, there is no need to be afraid.
The step into the void is like a skydiver stepping out of an airplane for the first time. Yes, there is uncertainty and apprehension. But once the first step is taken and you relax into the feeling of free fall, trusting that you are indeed safe, trusting your own preparation and my timing, you will surrender to a truly transformative, healing, life-changing experience.
Any turbulence you encounter is simply your ego struggling to hold on. You can ease your transition by going into meditation, calming the mind as you surrender to the medicine.
There is no need to direct your mind. I will show you exactly what you need to see. It will indeed be one of the most powerful and transformative experiences of your life – but one that feels deeply familiar, as you have been here before. This medicine is not new to you, though you have yet to experience it in this lifetime.
This medicine knows you and loves you. Indeed, it has guided you into the Mother’s arms many times. Prepare now for healing. Set your intentions, knowing that a great opening of the heart is near at hand.
A long cycle in your life is now coming to a close. It is time to say goodbye and offer gratitude to the people who sustained you, nurtured you, and helped you along the way. Many will continue into this next phase. But others will be left behind. Offer thanks to those whose roles do not continue beyond the close of this chapter.
Offer love and gratitude to the parts of you that have sustained you and helped you grow, but will similarly not continue after the close of this chapter. Celebrate the innocence – the lack of awareness – of this lower, less-evolved version of yourself. Accept all the parts of you, even the ones that lacked empathy, were arrogant, selfish and ego-minded. That version of you was necessary to bring you to the place you are today. That version of you created the tension, the angst required for you to live your space between.
And now, prepare to step into the light.
I thought of the people in my life who collaborated with me in the creation of my suffering. I had no idea what to say to them. But the directive to offer thanks to people who weren’t moving into this next chapter wasn’t just a suggestion. And the last thing I wanted to do was piss off the spirit of ayahuasca mere hours before my ceremony.
To be clear, I make that statement jest. I understand that ayahuasca comes from the Mother and there is no such thing as “pissing it off”. The directive is a tool to bring about my own healing as well as the healing of others… even those I’m not anxious to let off the hook. So I pulled up my big girl pants and started texting.
Thankfully, the list wasn’t long. Still, it left me sobbing and mentally exhausted, not the ideal way to enter a long night of ceremony. So I retreated to my hammock for the second phase: offering forgiveness and gratitude to the parts of my personality / ego that won’t follow me into this next chapter in my life.
Finally, the ceremony instructions indicated we needed to offer a sacrifice of some sort. Mere hours before the big event, no acceptable sacrifice came to mind. The sacrifice could have been a fast. But it was already too late for that. Besides, fasting isn’t really part of my ethos.
As I was wracking my brain on what would constitute a sacrifice, my phone rang. It was my oldest daughter, Gracie. She was supposed to be with me in Costa Rica. But on our way to the airport last week, we realized Gracie’s passport had expired. Today, she visited the passport processing agency in Denver and was approved to receive a new passport for her flight on Monday.
I had told Gracie I would reimburse her for any of the expenses related to her new flights and the expedited passport fees. Gracie was calling with the total amount for reimbursement. “I was feeling badly letting you pay for this,” Gracie said. “But then I remembered what you said last week about this being a way you could demonstrate trust in the Universe’s ability to provide for your financial needs. You said you would consider it an offering for your ceremony.”
I gasped. I’d totally forgotten that Gracie’s travel reimbursement was to be considered a ceremonial offering. (which is a much better word than sacrifice, don’t you think?)
And now I finally feel prepared to step into the void.
Escape Bound will be offering expeditionary retreats where participants can experience the indigenous ceremonial use of plant-based medicines, including huachuma and ayahuasca. Use our contact form to be notified as upcoming retreat dates become available.
