I didn’t want to write this blog post. But my soul said that if I didn’t, I was a chicken liver ninny bottom. And who wants their soul to think they are a chicken liver ninny bottom?
I knew today’s insights would be deeply powerful and possibly painful. On this day two years ago, my husband asked for a divorce. The conversation seemingly came from out of the blue. But hindsight being what it is, I now see the circumstances that surely and inevitably lead to the date I now consider my personal independence day.
The reference to my personal independence isn’t intended to sound snarky or jaded. It’s simply an acknowledgement that there was a change in regimes, a shift in power. I was happy and blessed under the old regime and I’m happy and blessed under the new one.
But the upheaval required to regain my footing is not something I take lightly. I physically traveled tens of thousands of miles and inwardly traveled light years to get to the place I am today. My personal independence day is a celebration of how far I’ve come and how far I have to go.
The Universe has its own way of celebrating the benchmarks I achieve along the way. Sometimes I receive a special gift; a surprise telephone call, a visit from a friend, a precious bit of insight, or even money that appears out of thin air.
This morning, my independence day gift was insight that was as deeply personal as it was universal. And though it is indeed deeply personal, and therefore somewhat difficult to share, it is the universal nature of this wisdom that makes me inclined to share it anyway.
In the introduction to my book, “Escape Bound”, I wrote:
We are all in the midst of a bold, daring social experiment. Some people would just call it “life”.
But with each day that passes, I’m less and less convinced that life is something that can be passed off as ordinary or mundane. Behind each human being is a story. These stories are as varied as the stars in the night sky, each one a tiny pinprick of light that represents a journey across mind-bending distances. All those human stories share common characteristics, a common point of origin. We are made from the same stuff, you and me. In this regard, my story is one we share.
The fact that you are reading this story is evidence that your own life is on the brink of something marvelous and transformative. Of all the books you could be reading, you chose this one, which is something akin to the miracle required to witness the light of a distant star.
Think about it. In the light years it takes for a star’s light to reach the earth, a single revolution of a planet, a moon, an asteroid or even space dust could have blocked its light. To see the star, all the planets had to align. The starlight needed to travel unimpeded. More importantly, the viewer needed to be looking. This book is in your hands because you are looking for it.
Our meeting is destiny; both yours and mine. I share these stories with great love. In sharing them, they become your stories. Many will even sound strangely familiar, like music from a favorite song whose words you’ve forgotten. We are connected. I am yours and you are mine.
Thank you for sharing this profoundly transformative journey with me.
What’s true for my book is true for these blog posts.
Having spent the night sleeping in a hammock, I woke before my alarm went off at 4:30am. Gently shifting back and forth between sleep and waking, I listened to the sound of the ocean waves pounding on the beach below and watched the stars glinting in the night sky until a gentle inner tug called me to meditation.
This is the transcript from my 20 minute automatic writing session:
You are worthy of all you desire. Your worth has never been questioned. In fact, you are worthy of so much more than you are even capable of dreaming. Your biggest dream, your grandest goal, is a mere fraction of that which you are both capable and worthy of achieving.
Take care not to equate your society’s definition of success and achievement as your own measure of worth. Goals of career advancement and financial success are good and fitting for some. For others, they are nothing more than golden handcuffs.
Your soul is a wild, playful thing. It requires the freedom to roam. Holding yourself to society’s standards of success will only lead you away from your soul’s desire. Take care not to pin your worth on what you believe others value. Your freedom is too high a price to pay.
You are truly worthy of any goal you choose. But many goals are not worthy of your choosing. Your path in this lifetime will be entirely unique. Do not expect others to understand the choices you make. Their lack of understanding does not constitute judgement.
When you look around you, see only light and love. Choose to allow only light and love to permeate your consciousness. When you seek criticism and judgement, you will find it. And in finding it, you will doubt your worth. If you seek light and love, you will find it. And your worth will never be called into question. You will value your infinitely important, unique and powerful point of attraction.
If you are unable to feel light and love, meditate. Empty your mind rather than allowing thoughts of fear, criticism and judgement to enter your conscious mind. If you don’t have something nice to think, don’t think anything at all.
Guard your power, refusing to trade your joy for anything in the world. Nothing is a worthwhile trade for your own happiness. Nothing matters so much that it is a worthy exchange for your joy. Seek appreciation in all things and joy will easily flow to you in an unending river of abundance.
When the alarm rang, signifying my 20 minutes of meditation was over, I changed into running clothes and headed to the beach. On the return trip down the beach, I felt inclined to walk instead of run. My higher self indicated we had a lot of content to unpack in a short period of time and that my intense focus would be required.
The past two days of meditation centered around appreciation and relaxing into the space between. This second anniversary of my separation marks two years without a romantic relationship. I started dating my first boyfriend when I was fifteen, a relationship that lasted three years. Since that time, I’d never gone two years without a man in my life.
This dating hiatus was initially the product of my transient living arrangements. It’s tough to date when you’re on a four month road trip! Over the following year, it became clear that my issue had to do with more than logistics. When men expressed interest in anything other than friendship, it gave me the heeby-jeebies. As if I was channelling my eight year old self, I became fairly certain that boys indeed had cooties.
Gracie said, “It’s o.k. mom. It’s just a case of the icks. The icks are something you get when the chemistry isn’t there.”
But in time, I realized that instead of the icks, I was actually suffering from a much more serious condition that I called the ewwws. The icks are specific to individuals. When you have the ewwws, the thought of intimate relations with the entire male subset of the human species gives you a violent case of the heeby-jeebies.
After a conversation where I tried to explain to a man that I wasn’t comfortable dating yet, he replied, “I get it. You and I are just damaged goods, Christy.” In honesty, I can’t think of a sentence that could have possibly caused more pain and anger. My inner goddess rose up in righteous indignation.
“How dare you!” I exclaimed, mentally wagging my index finger at him. “Truly. How dare you? You should be ashamed of yourself. I don’t need a better half to make me whole. I am complete, exactly as I am. And I don’t need you, or society for that matter, telling me otherwise.”
Truer words have ne’er been spoken. But what was the underlying cause of this extended case of the ewwws? I started to notice a pattern. If I found a man attractive, and he responded favorably, I started looking for his fatal flaw. If I couldn’t find something physically unappealing, I would question his motives, his character or his sanity.
Where, in the name of all that’s holy, did this low self esteem come from? I’d always considered myself a highly confident person, assured in my own self-worth. I’m physically attractive. I’m a super great writer. (Can I hear a “Hell yeah!”?) I’m reasonably intelligent. I’m a strong runner, mountain biker, sailor and cross country skier. I’ve traveled to over 30 countries and climbed to the top of the highest mountain in the western hemisphere. What’s this low self-image B.S. all about?
There was a price to pay for cultivating a critical mind. I became quite proficient at identifying fatal flaws, a situation that later required remediation since the door to my empathetic heart closed with a resounding “Thunk!”.
Over the past few months, I actively sought heart-opening activities, like performing random acts of kindness and tenaciously seeking the good in each and every person I met. Slowly but surely, I broke the suction holding the door to my heart shut. But what caused low self esteem in the first place?
During an extended beach walk, my higher self let me in on a secret lurking deep in my subconscious mind. For years, an insidious beast had been gnawing away at my self-worth, taking bites too small for my conscious mind to notice, but slowly devouring my confidence bit by bit over time.
This beast doesn’t have a name. But I can define it by its nature. The beast is the part of me that feels like I never live up to other people’s expectations.
I feel directly responsible for other people’s happiness, actually believing I can fill needs only a person’s higher self can fill. I fed the beast by trying to do everything for the people I loved, to be everything to the people I loved. I trained them to rely on me for their happiness. And when I couldn’t make them happy, my own self-worth took a headfirst dive into a shallow pool.
And here’s the thing! In order to feel appreciation, you need to feel blessed. In order to feel blessed, you need to feel worthy of being blessed. My ability to experience appreciation was being blocked by low self esteem. Yikes.
My higher self provided three mantras to help remind me that I’m not responsible for anyone’s happiness by my own:
- Events are unfolding exactly as they are meant to unfold.
- I’m the center of my universe, not theirs.
- Not my monkeys, not my circus.
Thankfully, my fatal flaw detector went the way of the dinosaurs. And I don’t feel the need to figure out my “type”. In fact, I have a sneaking suspicion that dating just isn’t my thing. If there is a guy out there who is right for me, I know he will show up in just the right way at the perfect time. In the meantime, my work is to move through this world authentically, offering love and encouragement to the people who need it.
I’m just going to finish by saying, it takes a confident person to admit they have self esteem issues. So, no, I’m not a chicken liver ninny bottom!
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