“Why is it that I think I need to rescue heroes?” she laughed… Then she cried. The pattern in several failed attempts at romance was suddenly crystal clear. She kept falling for heroes. The problem was, she wasn’t a damsel in distress.
I told her that rescuing heros is just another version of a hero archetype, one in which the “hero” switches roles. In order to understand role switching, it’s important to understand the traditional hero archetype.
Every good hero is looking for a girl who needs saving. Here’s the problem: if the girl is truly saved, she doesn’t need a hero anymore. The dark truth is that the hero needs the girl to stay broken. This leads to a lot of drama. Both the damsel in distress and the hero repeat a cycle where she falls and he picks her up… over and over and over again, ad nauseam. It’s frustrating. And exhausting.
Both the hero and the girl he’s saving (but not really saving, because she needs to save herself) start to resent each other. The hero is accused of being controlling. “Why can’t he just accept me for who I am? Why is he always trying to change me?”
The girl is blamed for being out of control. Often, she’s battling an addiction to alcohol, drugs, or sleeping with other men. Or, she’s destitute and needs him to save her financially. Rather than feeling supported, encouraged or empowered to make a change, the girl feels judged. (Never mind the fact that her weakness was the very reason the hero was attracted to her in the first place!) The hero’s judgement contributes to her brokenness.
In an attempt to defy the hero’s judgement / control, she exercises her freedom to choose her addiction, which is really just another form of servitude. When a woman stands in her power, it’s very difficult for a man to take it away. More often than not, the woman relinquishes responsibility too easily, creating the imbalance. In giving in to her addiction, she willingly gives her power away, setting herself up for another cycle of the hero’s judgement and control.
But the power dynamic isn’t one-sided. The damsel-in-distress often manipulates the hero. If the hero begins to transcend his roll, the damsel in distress acts as an enabler, creating scenarios in which she needs rescuing, triggering the hero’s instinct to save her. The hero feels used. After all, his role is to continually give while his partner takes. In time, the hero feels beaten down and powerless, exhausted in the battle to save someone who doesn’t actually want to be saved.
From what I’ve seen, relationships with this dynamic tend to be very tumultuous. There’s a lot of arguing. In the beginning, fighting contributes to passion in the relationship. Then it gets old. After a while, fighting is just fighting.
For the purpose of this example, I’ve been using the male as the hero and the female as the damsel in distress. But clearly, the archetypical roles switch genders.
Question: So what is the solution? How do you break the cycle?
Answer: Shed the archetype.
That might be easy and it might be hard. Either way, people who find themselves playing out these recurring roles will most likely need professional counseling, or at the very least, a lot of time for introspection. Recognizing the pattern is the first step in transcending it.
This is where plant-based medicines can be useful. They suppress the ego, allowing a person to view themselves and the relationship dynamics from a 30,000 foot perspective.
Both the hero and the girl could practice switching roles. The hero could ask himself, “By rescuing someone else, am I ignoring the little boy inside me who needs saving?” The girl could ask, “What does true freedom look like? If I’m standing in my power, do I really need someone else to save me?”
For the love of all that’s holy, don’t confuse equal distribution of power with balancing a balance sheet. After all, we are always more aware of our own expenditure of time, money and energy than that of our partner. There is nothing more empty, lonely and loveless than a transactional relationship.
I used to think that if women deserve equal pay (which they do!) then they should be paying the bill at the bar or restaurant 50% of the time. I was wrong. The person who pays the bill should be the one who expresses their love and celebrates their abundance by paying the bill. That can be either partner. In the same way, the person who makes dinner at home should be the one who expresses their love and celebrates their talent for cooking by making dinner at home. Then, its up to the receiving partner to recognize and appreciate the expenditure.
Sometimes, lack of appreciation comes from lack of understanding. The workaholic mentality is often the symptom of a deeper undercurrent. Feeling under-appreciated, a partner works harder to meet some vague, undefined expectation. They feel resentful, because it seems that no matter how hard they work, their effort isn’t recognized. Feeling “unseen”, they experience loneliness and frustration.
The tragic truth is that often, they’re not meeting their own vague, undefined expectations. Projecting these expectations on their partner, they feel inadequate and angry. When we project our own sense of unworthiness on those closest to us, we not only allow this sense of inadequacy to corrode our relationships, we allow it to undermine our own self-love.
Self-love is the only place where both the hero and the damsel in distress finally recognize the fact that each of us is on his / her own journey. In a healthy, balanced relationship, each person takes responsibility for their own well-being and happiness. And here’s the good news. Once you learn to tap into your own self-love, there is a limitless supply of well-being and happiness!
Out of your own abundance of self-love, you will naturally share your time, money, and energy, because you realize that there is an endless stream, an endless supply to give. The balance sheet is burned to a crisp in the inferno of love that demands nothing more than the creative expression of its own energy. This is the energy that powers the sun and the stars. And in its glow, all things flourish and grow…. and all archetypes gently fade away.
